The Black Mark On Your Permanent Record

- WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

WHY CANT YOU CONTROL YOURSELF

YOUR MANNERISMS

CANT YOU JUST STOP

STOP

STOP

STOP

DAMNIT JUST STOP YOURSELF

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?! I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU ALL

- A note from yourself to yourself

- There are many evil things in this world.

And apparently, UMNO specialises in all of them.

Dont get me wrong now, this isnt another political shot at that annoying little political party. I mean, no, why would i do that?

Instead, you folks are treated to oodles and oodles of fun, exciting RAMBLING! By golly, take a step back!

What is this all about? What sort of nonsense am i babbling? What the hell are you still doing here? The answer is simple my friend. So simple, in fact, that i'm not even going to joke around it. Yes, i'm going to take a breather from my routine of "one-joke-per-line". (also, these may look like 3 lines without a joke in them, but there is. Really)

Tomorrow i have a test on the history of Singapore, which, oddly enough, compromises of 80% Malaya's history. Why is this bad? I'll tell you why: It's so incredibly boring, learning about why the British even bothered with this hunk of tin, to the little bitch slaps Malaya and Singapore threw each other during the union. It also is a large, blatant chunk of propaganda.
Why do i say this? Well, firstly, the book makes the Malays sound very retarded. Now, allow me to quote:
"Malays ist verlangsamt" - Mein Kampf
(note, words may have been edited here and there)
Other than that, Singapore tries to show why it is, in fact, great. And why it's in the right. But that's not even the half of it.

The very fact i hate studying this boring heap of filth, coupled with the fact that 80% of it MALAYAN, has made me dislike Malays even more. Yup, it's worked.

So we've come one big round, and back to "This subject is ghey". Dont get me wrong, i love History, just not the Singaporean half. Never, EVER believe that "take it as a story!" bullcrap.

Speaking of stories, i know! Lets play a game! You are... Darek madeupman (or Darekina madeupwoman- though you've got to admit it doesnt sound half as catchy). By sheer coincidence and badluck you have been forced by the mafia to enter.... school. Your legs tremble upon entering the compound, and you're quickly given a choice to study one of 2 humanities!
If you go ahead and look at your options, go to "LOOK". If you decide to weasel out of this, go to "CHICKEN"

LOOK
You move up to the list and see the following: History and Literature.
To pick History, scroll down to "HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING?!"
To pick Literature, scroll down to "WTF"

HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING?!:
You decide to pick up history and purchase your books. Open purchase, you notice one of them is Singaporean history. After reading said book, you find it a colossal waste of time.
To throw the book into the dustbin and hatred, go to "BIN"
To bear with it and try to study it, go to "MISTAKE"

MISTAKE:
You try to bear with it. Everyday, you endure gruelling hours trying to study the subject. Days and months pass, and your brain starts to detioriate because of its contents. But you press on, ignoring the odd fluid dripping out your years. Many decades later, you have managed to master the subject, at the expense of your fertility and an eye. Overjoyed, you run out to the road, proclaiming that you indeed know your country. People all over the world are shocked that you have done so, but also avoid you for being crazy enough to attempt such a stunt. You end up feeling very lonely and decide to eat Mcdonalds, when you suddenly get a Heart Attack and DIE. GAME OVER.

CHICKEN:
You decide not to go through this ridiculous charade, and exit the school compound. However, you forget that the mafia has eyes everywhere, and in seconds a few goons leap from the shadows. Badda-Bing, Badda-Boom. Fortunately for you, you know enough martial arts to fend them away. Unfortunately for you, they have dogs. You decide to flee, knowing that there's no way you could beat something half your size. On the way, you manage to find a cave, and hide in there. You hide there for 10 years, living on the moss growing inside, for fear of the dogs. One day, you decide to peek your head out to check for the dogs. They're gone. you rejoice, and step outside, ready to enjoy life again. You then suddenly contract syphillis and die. GAME OVER.

WTF:
You decide to pick literature, knowing your supreme liguistic skills. You enter the class, till you realise you forgot to purchase your books. The class laughs at you, and the teacher uses you as a lesson for "Irony". From that they onward, you're used as a puppet for the teacher to explain literature's most intricate and complex writing techniques. Because of this, you never have a life. One day, you decide to rebel, and burst into a flurry of insults. The teacher, shocked that you have feelings, utters an apology. You feel fulfilled. Suddenly, you contract Parkinson's Disease, start rolling on the floor, and die. GAME OVER

BIN:
You throw the book in the bin, realising you have no need for such garbage. Months later, there is a test on said subject. Everyone passes except you. However, you notice that the studying of Singaporean History has degenerated their faces. You feel very relieved, and resort to mocking them to achieve your ends from that day forward. Years pass, and the class decides they hate you. They form a gang to hunt you down and kill you. Narrowly escaping a siege on your house, you flee into a nearby drain, where you subsist on guppies and rats. You realise you have made a terrible mistake, and days later, burst from the drains in apology. Your friends, softhearted, decide to forgive you. Then you suddenly contract SARS. You survive. THE END, YOU WIN!


What does this tell you? I dont like modern world history. No, not a bit.
I'm tired, and that usually means its time to let you off the hook, and for me to stop writing.


END:
You exit Jeremy's blog, brushing away the insane humanity it has driven into your noggin. You assure yourself you wont ever look at something so retarded again. You feel assured, and that builds up your self esteem. 2 seconds later, Jeremy talks to you again, either on messenger or some odd means. You cry. GAME OVER.

- Horrible Screaming Death, the stuff gay quizzes are made of!* -Warning, long post

Our hero, despite being bogged down by endless responsibilities, find time to actually DO SOMETHING! So what will it be? Will it be about his insatiable need to kill anything with six legs? Will it be about his should-be-exiled school and should-be-condemned faculty? Will it about certain games he thinks are "whoa... man thats awesome..."? Will it be about something useful, political, philosophical, and non-egotistical? Perhaps he's gonna write about things about himself, AGAIN! Or perhaps he's gonna rant about shit he hates. HAHAHA! Just kidding! No one actually reads those.

Nah, today our hero is going take a straight venture into Gay quizzes, before returning to study about the Third Reich. I'm very busy, what with playing baccarat with various secret agents and all, and only managed to find the time to bang this experiment in my spy copter while flying from Monte Carlo to Timbuctoo. But i digress.

We all know what these are. The worst of the worst. We've seen them before. They remind us of their insecurity, and that their creators are in fact homophobic idiots. It also reminds us that, if we enjoy these things, we need more social skills. So, as usual, I gave it a shot. Obviously, fear is not a factor for me.

Question one: NAME

I laughed at this one. I had too much practice after doing tons of revision papers. This was ALWAYS the first question, so it was so easy i hardly had to THINK to get it right.

Note: Just for fun, i entered the results with the default settings, just to see what difference my name would make.

Not a good start.

Question Two: AGE

Not as easy. But I've done it enough times to have no problems. NEXT!

Question Three: Pick one- Ellen, Willow and Tara, Anne Heche, Gina Gershon, Jack from Will & Grace, Melissa Etheridge, Legolas, Justin Timberlake, Rupaul.

No Kai Budde?! No Gordon Freeman?! Not even MARIO?! What kind of SICK question was this?! I had a start: Justin and Legolas were ruled out even before consideration, as we all know only crazy little bimbos vote for those two. Besides for the fact Legolas has cool boots, he's the type of guy who'd ACE a lie detection, simply because the man seems to have NO drama in him whatsoever. Justin Timberlake was once with Britney Spears, and that's enough to eliminate that choice. Now, i have very little knowledge of the other people. That said, i still managed to sift through the idiots: I saw RuPaul's name in the Brady Bunch movie- as a female character. Choosing him over the others here would be like stomping on the nettles in the middle of the garden. Not smart, really. Arguments that he's just super-secure and thick skin dont even WORK here. There's a line between security and homosexuality, just like there's a line between Bravery and Stupidity. And to all who are simply NOT convinced:



THIS is Rupaul. And he scares the shit out of me. If he wasnt male, he would have scared me gay.

Moving on, that left Ellen, Jack, Willow and Tara, Melissa and Gina. Didnt know who the first 2 were. Took them out. So we move on to Willow and Tara./ For those who dont know, they're this supposedly sweet Lesbian couple. As my dartboard should know, i have nothing against homosexuals, but would usually only vote for gay marriages if both chicks were hot. Secondly, its from Buffy. I'm not a Buffy fan. There's something about teenage drama-fantasy shows that i dont find too appealing. Yes, charmed was fun for a while. But it got boring. And when they're using "HOT" in their advertisments as part of why you should watch the show, it just dampens your interest in it. Sooner or later, they all just turn into another "days of our lives" show. Nah, John Doe and 7 Days is officially (I've got a cert) cooler, thanks. So yea, because of my uninterest in Buffy (sorry Jan, "it has a nice storyline" just doesnt work anymore) i decided they shouldnt get the vote. Sorry Lesbian couple, your dependance on male dogma pertaining to lesbians did not pull through.

That left Etheridge and Gina. I like both of them. Etheridge, because she's a rocker. Maybe i'm dated, but i listen to hard rock. And ALOT of it. Not the screaming kinds that turn people away (well... Sometimes), Just Hard Rock- The guitar, the drum, and the solo. The entire package. I've got an affinity for rock, and thus rockers. But Gina was my favourite character in Show girls (just dont ask) AND face off (favourite MINOR character, that is). She has this Lawful Evil in her, Like Knuckles in Sonic, Like Vegeta in Dragonball. She's the evil person on the good side. I once saw her quote on someone's blog: "I have one rule for myself: fuck the rules". She's not "bad", she's just pure cool.

A flip of the coin, and Etheridge won. All the same.

Question Four: Pick a Movie- Bound, Better than Chocolate, Gia, Jeffrey, It's my Party, But i'm a cheerleader, Relax, its just sex.

I voted "Relax, its just sex". It was the last word, really- "Sex". Compelled me to vote for the damn thing. There was simply no contest. Nothing, not even "cheerleader" could change the vote- and i blame my damn male brain, for laughing so damn hard at the word sex, and for laughing so damn hard at the creator for obviously being a bigger loser than i am.

Question Five: Pick a Beverage- Beer you can drink, Beer you can chew, Fruity Mixed Drinks, Cockt-tails, Jello Shots, Give me the Bottle!

Sorry dude. "Give me the bottle" was a FAILED attempt at comedy. Everything else seemed too household, that left the 2 beers. Again, i have equal feelings for both, as both are very situational: If someone help me at knifepoint threatening to kill me if i didnt have Beer i could chew, it would be beer i could chew. However, if someone held me at knifepoint threatening to kill me if i didnt paint his shoe, i would much rather have beer i could drink.

Again, a flip of the coin got me "A beer you can drink". And this is what i got:

Note: The answers i mentioned above WERE input into this thing... but somehow it doesnt show em here. But i assure you, the result i got was 4%

Well... green zone. Thats safe. No reason to start calling me Bridget or anything. Then again, i felt of tinge of shame, having suceeded at a hunk of retardation. I concluded this entire thing not only wasted time, but was stupid. VERY stupid. I need no justification other than "it came from the internet".

So just before i ended my little experiment (after my bouts of disbelief and a nice long shower, which involved beating the hell out of my idiocy with a bar of soap), another test caught my eye. It was a test which i could use to prove people wrong. I had the time, so i decided to give it a shot. After all, with my new found quiz experience, how could i do badly at this one? I was wrong.

Cool Dating Tips and Romance Advice!


FUCKING QUIZ. MOCK ME?! YOU TWO LINED RETARD. I WILL KICK YOUR BINARY ASS AND EAT YOUR VIRTUAL CORPSE.

....

I need friends.

* Jeremy would like to thank you for sieving through his enormous post, weaved completely out of boredom and bad English. Feel free to ask a favour of him, or something- he evidently would much rather be doing it.

- ZE POST IS DOWN THERE

Hello. Today i'm gonna try a little exercise, just so it makes it more fun to read my blog out loud.

Ahem



Ach. As you can see from ze certificate ere, zis iz not only very bache, but zis iz very accurate. Some of you might not haff forgohten ze butterknife fiasco. Altzo , should any von off you need ze picture of ze face framed for eizer worship or to use as ze dartboard, pleaz do not hassitate to dropp me ze line!

Alzo, on ze Saturday, i vas velcomed into ze Catholic Church! Many claim i am von stepp closer to GOTT! Daddy needs a new pair of lederhosen! I VILL NOW FOLLOW ZE WAY ZAT REAL MEN PRAY TO GOTT!

And now, zis special offer goes out to Jan and her freunds: Need z Ego boosted, you've found ze place! Ze first von is free, but ze next few are not! So zat i can make ze money!

Hahaha! And remember all, Sie setzten Ihr weinerschitzel in mein Sauerkrauten!


Bleh. Forget it. I even had to exaggerate to haff... i mean, have something to write about. Never again.

- A losing war

Battle doesn't need a purpose;
the battle is its own purpose.
You don't ask why a plague spreads
or a field burns.
Don't ask why I fight.