The Black Mark On Your Permanent Record

- Horrible Screaming Death, the stuff gay quizzes are made of!* -Warning, long post

Our hero, despite being bogged down by endless responsibilities, find time to actually DO SOMETHING! So what will it be? Will it be about his insatiable need to kill anything with six legs? Will it be about his should-be-exiled school and should-be-condemned faculty? Will it about certain games he thinks are "whoa... man thats awesome..."? Will it be about something useful, political, philosophical, and non-egotistical? Perhaps he's gonna write about things about himself, AGAIN! Or perhaps he's gonna rant about shit he hates. HAHAHA! Just kidding! No one actually reads those.

Nah, today our hero is going take a straight venture into Gay quizzes, before returning to study about the Third Reich. I'm very busy, what with playing baccarat with various secret agents and all, and only managed to find the time to bang this experiment in my spy copter while flying from Monte Carlo to Timbuctoo. But i digress.

We all know what these are. The worst of the worst. We've seen them before. They remind us of their insecurity, and that their creators are in fact homophobic idiots. It also reminds us that, if we enjoy these things, we need more social skills. So, as usual, I gave it a shot. Obviously, fear is not a factor for me.

Question one: NAME

I laughed at this one. I had too much practice after doing tons of revision papers. This was ALWAYS the first question, so it was so easy i hardly had to THINK to get it right.

Note: Just for fun, i entered the results with the default settings, just to see what difference my name would make.

Not a good start.

Question Two: AGE

Not as easy. But I've done it enough times to have no problems. NEXT!

Question Three: Pick one- Ellen, Willow and Tara, Anne Heche, Gina Gershon, Jack from Will & Grace, Melissa Etheridge, Legolas, Justin Timberlake, Rupaul.

No Kai Budde?! No Gordon Freeman?! Not even MARIO?! What kind of SICK question was this?! I had a start: Justin and Legolas were ruled out even before consideration, as we all know only crazy little bimbos vote for those two. Besides for the fact Legolas has cool boots, he's the type of guy who'd ACE a lie detection, simply because the man seems to have NO drama in him whatsoever. Justin Timberlake was once with Britney Spears, and that's enough to eliminate that choice. Now, i have very little knowledge of the other people. That said, i still managed to sift through the idiots: I saw RuPaul's name in the Brady Bunch movie- as a female character. Choosing him over the others here would be like stomping on the nettles in the middle of the garden. Not smart, really. Arguments that he's just super-secure and thick skin dont even WORK here. There's a line between security and homosexuality, just like there's a line between Bravery and Stupidity. And to all who are simply NOT convinced:



THIS is Rupaul. And he scares the shit out of me. If he wasnt male, he would have scared me gay.

Moving on, that left Ellen, Jack, Willow and Tara, Melissa and Gina. Didnt know who the first 2 were. Took them out. So we move on to Willow and Tara./ For those who dont know, they're this supposedly sweet Lesbian couple. As my dartboard should know, i have nothing against homosexuals, but would usually only vote for gay marriages if both chicks were hot. Secondly, its from Buffy. I'm not a Buffy fan. There's something about teenage drama-fantasy shows that i dont find too appealing. Yes, charmed was fun for a while. But it got boring. And when they're using "HOT" in their advertisments as part of why you should watch the show, it just dampens your interest in it. Sooner or later, they all just turn into another "days of our lives" show. Nah, John Doe and 7 Days is officially (I've got a cert) cooler, thanks. So yea, because of my uninterest in Buffy (sorry Jan, "it has a nice storyline" just doesnt work anymore) i decided they shouldnt get the vote. Sorry Lesbian couple, your dependance on male dogma pertaining to lesbians did not pull through.

That left Etheridge and Gina. I like both of them. Etheridge, because she's a rocker. Maybe i'm dated, but i listen to hard rock. And ALOT of it. Not the screaming kinds that turn people away (well... Sometimes), Just Hard Rock- The guitar, the drum, and the solo. The entire package. I've got an affinity for rock, and thus rockers. But Gina was my favourite character in Show girls (just dont ask) AND face off (favourite MINOR character, that is). She has this Lawful Evil in her, Like Knuckles in Sonic, Like Vegeta in Dragonball. She's the evil person on the good side. I once saw her quote on someone's blog: "I have one rule for myself: fuck the rules". She's not "bad", she's just pure cool.

A flip of the coin, and Etheridge won. All the same.

Question Four: Pick a Movie- Bound, Better than Chocolate, Gia, Jeffrey, It's my Party, But i'm a cheerleader, Relax, its just sex.

I voted "Relax, its just sex". It was the last word, really- "Sex". Compelled me to vote for the damn thing. There was simply no contest. Nothing, not even "cheerleader" could change the vote- and i blame my damn male brain, for laughing so damn hard at the word sex, and for laughing so damn hard at the creator for obviously being a bigger loser than i am.

Question Five: Pick a Beverage- Beer you can drink, Beer you can chew, Fruity Mixed Drinks, Cockt-tails, Jello Shots, Give me the Bottle!

Sorry dude. "Give me the bottle" was a FAILED attempt at comedy. Everything else seemed too household, that left the 2 beers. Again, i have equal feelings for both, as both are very situational: If someone help me at knifepoint threatening to kill me if i didnt have Beer i could chew, it would be beer i could chew. However, if someone held me at knifepoint threatening to kill me if i didnt paint his shoe, i would much rather have beer i could drink.

Again, a flip of the coin got me "A beer you can drink". And this is what i got:

Note: The answers i mentioned above WERE input into this thing... but somehow it doesnt show em here. But i assure you, the result i got was 4%

Well... green zone. Thats safe. No reason to start calling me Bridget or anything. Then again, i felt of tinge of shame, having suceeded at a hunk of retardation. I concluded this entire thing not only wasted time, but was stupid. VERY stupid. I need no justification other than "it came from the internet".

So just before i ended my little experiment (after my bouts of disbelief and a nice long shower, which involved beating the hell out of my idiocy with a bar of soap), another test caught my eye. It was a test which i could use to prove people wrong. I had the time, so i decided to give it a shot. After all, with my new found quiz experience, how could i do badly at this one? I was wrong.

Cool Dating Tips and Romance Advice!


FUCKING QUIZ. MOCK ME?! YOU TWO LINED RETARD. I WILL KICK YOUR BINARY ASS AND EAT YOUR VIRTUAL CORPSE.

....

I need friends.

* Jeremy would like to thank you for sieving through his enormous post, weaved completely out of boredom and bad English. Feel free to ask a favour of him, or something- he evidently would much rather be doing it.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 09, 2004 at 1:15 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.